Because.... I Said So!!

OK, hmmmm have you ever said that to your child? Well, I guess sometimes we feel we don't have to give a reason? Nothing wrong with that, but if you say that a lot, you may be triggering defiant behavior:

• by trying to control excessively
• by trying too hard to maintain peace
• by not setting appropriate limits due to being afraid of potential legal consequences

We have all made these mistakes, but hey, that's life. We learn from them!

THE DEFIANT PARENT

Perfection, perfection... Not only do they tell their children what to do, they tell them how to do it, too! This type of parenting likes to micromanage. This is a tough one.. You probably have done this before, but really didn't think much of it. So, you have your child sweep the floor and he does an "OK" job (leaves a little in the corners, etc.)... Didn't think that it was a big deal to correct them? Well, it's really best not to correct them all the time. Maybe just say, "Wow, you did a great job with sweeping. Would you sweep one more area for me (point out the corners)?" Then, they don't think they did something wrong - they did a great job and you want them to do more! This approach seems to work well... Now with some children (my son for example), did things fast and quick on purpose (a little lazy), it's OK to ask them to go back over it one more time (especially if they're old enough to know better!)...

THE PEACEMAKER PARENT

Are you the type that let's your child get away with murder?! They start screaming/yelling and you give in? This will only get worse! Have you ever noticed with dogs that if they whine outside the door and you let them in, they'll do it again? That's what defiant children do? Hey, if you're going to give them what they want with no consequences, why not? Defiant children are willing to escalate the process until you can't stand it anymore. Put your foot down and set some rules with clear consequences!

THE APPREHENSIVE PARENT

Are you afraid to discipline for fear that others will see it as child abuse? Some parents are even afraid to do a simple time-out! With so many kids knowing about CPS (Child Protective Services), it's scary to think that your child may threaten you. This happened to a friend of mine. She did something really funny (and by the way, she is in no way abusive!), she told her son that if he was going to call, then he may as well pack his bags. He became confused. She said, "Well, you will be leaving here and living with another family, so you may want to get your things together." Funny, he never mentioned it again. If you are unsure on how to properly discipline your child, seek a counselor's advice.

Love and patience is what we all need... I hope that this posting helps you in some way.. :o)

Is Your Child A Defiant Child Or Maybe Inflexible?

Good question! Here are a few characteristics of defiant children:

1) Not their fault (blind to their role in a problem). Not only can they not see how they are acting, they are convinced that people around them are the ones causing the problem intentionally.
2) Control, control.. More than other kids, they crave it. They will do just about anything even if it produces the opposite result - they want the control.
3) Socially exploitive. Quick to notice how others respond and to use those responses to their advantage in both social and family environments.
4) Negativity. They seem to thrive on conflict, anger, and negativity from others. They'll win most times in escalating battles of negativity.

If none of those characteristics we've listed above describe your child, maybe he/she is just an "inflexible child." Hey, we had one of those! :o)

Inflexible children want things to be the same because routine provides them with safety, predictability, control, and freedom from anxiety. These children often don't appear to learn from consequences. Boy, this was our daughter! You could put her in a time out, take toys away, and after being released from time out, would often engage in the same behavior shortly after!

So what can you do? Well, good behavior needs to be practiced. For example, a math teacher urges her students to know their multipication tables. What do they do? They practice it over and over again. Let's try that with our children. So, when your child is having one of his "moments", explain tho him that his behavior is telling you that he needs help changing the way he acts. Have your child practice the behavior you want - repeatedly.. Here's an example - your child gets up from the dinner table rushed and loud. What do you do? See below:

• Show him how to get out of the chair quietly
• Push the chair up to the table
• Walk your dishes over to the sink (if you want them to)
• Walk quietly to their room or family room

I'll be the first to tell you - yes, you will receive complaints. Your child will have to do this a dozen times before it becomes routine. If you stay the course, eventually your child will get it down. If he refuses to practice this, you might want to put him in a time out until he's ready to do this important practice. He will understand then that you mean business. Every day, work on this until it becomes routine.

I hope this helps your family. It did mine! If you have more than one child, have them all practice at the same time (if necessary).

Turn Off A Tantrum Fast

OK, so our daughter started becoming very sassy and defiant at 5 years old. Hmmm, started wondering if this was just a "girl thing" since our 3 other children were much easier (yes, 3 boys!). But, we know that this just wasn't the case. Especially, since she was just sassy towards us (little angel in class for her teacher)! OK, so what is better - her being sassy at home or at school? LOL. We decided to do some reading on the subject (a lot of reading) to help us get some control back (we were at the point of "losing it")!

Getting ready for school in the morning was something we always looked forward to (yah right!). So, you rub their head, speak sweetly to them, and their response,, "Leave me alone or I don't want that for breakfast!". OK, now this wasn't every morning (thank goodness), but it did happen. Now we did the good parent thing by putting her to bed at a decent time, so what the heck was the problem? She needed to be accountable for her behavior. We told her that we would be setting an alarm clock in her room. When the clock would go off, it was time to get up and come to breakfast. We would set the clock for 7:25 (figuring it would take her a few minutes to wake up/get out of bed). She understood what an alarm clock was for and agreed to "play along" with this new idea....... So, this was the the plan - a firm morning schedule:

7:30 - 7:50 Breakfast

So you're wondering what that means? Well, she has until 7:50 to finish her breakfast - she can start eating as early as she'd like. After that time, breakfast time is closed and we brush our teeth, get dressed, and go to school.

Day 1 was interesting. She was a little irritated with the alarm sound, but it did work - she got up on her own. For her first day, I figured that I would have a breakfast ready that she liked, and that it would make things smoother for us (cereal).

Day 2 was not as easy. She complained that she was tired and that the "annoying clock" was still making noise. Today, I prepared oatmeal (which she used to love), and that made her angry. She didn't want oatmeal, she wanted Cocoa Pebbles. So, breakfast came and went - and she ate nothing. A little uneasy with her not having breakfast, but I knew that this was short-lived AND she would be having her sliced apples at her 10 a.m. snack time...

Day 3 was easier! When she woke up, had a little attitude but hurried to the table. Today we were having waffles with sugar-free syrup (she loves this syrup). She seemed hungry and we were ahead of our time this morning... yeah!!

Day 4 and she seems to get it! She stayed in bed a few extra minutes (7:35), but she was hungry and wasn't sure how much time she had left to eat. The first thing she asked was, "How many minutes do I have left?" I told her 15. She started eating and was done in time.

I guess I have to say, NEVER, EVER GIVE UP!.. Kids need structure (they want it)... Make a schedule and stick to it the best that you can. Don't accept defeat - you can do it!