Is Your Child A Defiant Child Or Maybe Inflexible?

Good question! Here are a few characteristics of defiant children:

1) Not their fault (blind to their role in a problem). Not only can they not see how they are acting, they are convinced that people around them are the ones causing the problem intentionally.
2) Control, control.. More than other kids, they crave it. They will do just about anything even if it produces the opposite result - they want the control.
3) Socially exploitive. Quick to notice how others respond and to use those responses to their advantage in both social and family environments.
4) Negativity. They seem to thrive on conflict, anger, and negativity from others. They'll win most times in escalating battles of negativity.

If none of those characteristics we've listed above describe your child, maybe he/she is just an "inflexible child." Hey, we had one of those! :o)

Inflexible children want things to be the same because routine provides them with safety, predictability, control, and freedom from anxiety. These children often don't appear to learn from consequences. Boy, this was our daughter! You could put her in a time out, take toys away, and after being released from time out, would often engage in the same behavior shortly after!

So what can you do? Well, good behavior needs to be practiced. For example, a math teacher urges her students to know their multipication tables. What do they do? They practice it over and over again. Let's try that with our children. So, when your child is having one of his "moments", explain tho him that his behavior is telling you that he needs help changing the way he acts. Have your child practice the behavior you want - repeatedly.. Here's an example - your child gets up from the dinner table rushed and loud. What do you do? See below:

• Show him how to get out of the chair quietly
• Push the chair up to the table
• Walk your dishes over to the sink (if you want them to)
• Walk quietly to their room or family room

I'll be the first to tell you - yes, you will receive complaints. Your child will have to do this a dozen times before it becomes routine. If you stay the course, eventually your child will get it down. If he refuses to practice this, you might want to put him in a time out until he's ready to do this important practice. He will understand then that you mean business. Every day, work on this until it becomes routine.

I hope this helps your family. It did mine! If you have more than one child, have them all practice at the same time (if necessary).

Turn Off A Tantrum Fast

OK, so our daughter started becoming very sassy and defiant at 5 years old. Hmmm, started wondering if this was just a "girl thing" since our 3 other children were much easier (yes, 3 boys!). But, we know that this just wasn't the case. Especially, since she was just sassy towards us (little angel in class for her teacher)! OK, so what is better - her being sassy at home or at school? LOL. We decided to do some reading on the subject (a lot of reading) to help us get some control back (we were at the point of "losing it")!

Getting ready for school in the morning was something we always looked forward to (yah right!). So, you rub their head, speak sweetly to them, and their response,, "Leave me alone or I don't want that for breakfast!". OK, now this wasn't every morning (thank goodness), but it did happen. Now we did the good parent thing by putting her to bed at a decent time, so what the heck was the problem? She needed to be accountable for her behavior. We told her that we would be setting an alarm clock in her room. When the clock would go off, it was time to get up and come to breakfast. We would set the clock for 7:25 (figuring it would take her a few minutes to wake up/get out of bed). She understood what an alarm clock was for and agreed to "play along" with this new idea....... So, this was the the plan - a firm morning schedule:

7:30 - 7:50 Breakfast

So you're wondering what that means? Well, she has until 7:50 to finish her breakfast - she can start eating as early as she'd like. After that time, breakfast time is closed and we brush our teeth, get dressed, and go to school.

Day 1 was interesting. She was a little irritated with the alarm sound, but it did work - she got up on her own. For her first day, I figured that I would have a breakfast ready that she liked, and that it would make things smoother for us (cereal).

Day 2 was not as easy. She complained that she was tired and that the "annoying clock" was still making noise. Today, I prepared oatmeal (which she used to love), and that made her angry. She didn't want oatmeal, she wanted Cocoa Pebbles. So, breakfast came and went - and she ate nothing. A little uneasy with her not having breakfast, but I knew that this was short-lived AND she would be having her sliced apples at her 10 a.m. snack time...

Day 3 was easier! When she woke up, had a little attitude but hurried to the table. Today we were having waffles with sugar-free syrup (she loves this syrup). She seemed hungry and we were ahead of our time this morning... yeah!!

Day 4 and she seems to get it! She stayed in bed a few extra minutes (7:35), but she was hungry and wasn't sure how much time she had left to eat. The first thing she asked was, "How many minutes do I have left?" I told her 15. She started eating and was done in time.

I guess I have to say, NEVER, EVER GIVE UP!.. Kids need structure (they want it)... Make a schedule and stick to it the best that you can. Don't accept defeat - you can do it!